When I see deceased loved ones in dreams I am sure it is a “visit” not just a product of REM sleep and a late night cheeseburger, because it couldn’t be that all of the answers I seek are actually right there in my own head. There has to be something else…something bigger…
It goes by many names. God, the Universe, destiny.
The other day I made a good decision. I did what my mom would’ve told me to do, I thought to myself. And when one of my choices turned out to be an epic failure, I analyzed it for hours, finally convincing myself it was a blessing in disguise which brought about a subsequent occurrence I hadn’t even considered possible.
Does God exist? Is there really an entity “all seeing, all knowing” and able to control the paths taken by those of us, fumbling along, lives akin to a train wreck?
The Universe…Does it really send us messages? And should we be listening to those messages?
And Destiny? Well that’s just depressing, because then we are really just hamsters on the wheel of life, no ability to veer or stray or even affect change.
I’ve heard people make statements like “It wasn’t meant to be”, or “Things happen for a reason”. Most of the time we use those phrases to explain away the unexplainable. When an event occurs which we didn’t expect but has a good outcome, that’s fate. And, of course when our lives aren’t shaping up quite as we’d hoped for, “it’s all part of a bigger plan”.
But aren’t we also taught that we can be whoever and whatever we want as long as we put in the effort, work hard, treat others with respect, pay our dues, think outside the box, never give up, and a myriad of other platitudes?
So which one is it?
Is my life just the result of some omniscient power clicking “File, New, Create Human, Save as Tracey”? Or can I actually sit down, create a flow chart accompanied by a flashy PowerPoint presentation, and kick off project Tracey v2.0?
If the first is true, I want a refund. But if the second is the case, then somehow, some way, happiness is in my power, and just like my software applications at work, “Go-Live” can only happen after design, development, testing and deployment. I am the Project Manager, the programmer, the QA Analyst, the network engineer and I run the tech support hotline. That’s a lot of work…and it requires one other crucial ingredient.
I have to trust myself. More than that, I have to believe in myself.
Easier said than done.
The voice in my head telling me to choose A instead of B or to go West instead of South seems as if it comes from outside myself. Someone or some “thing”, much wiser than I, is guiding me. If I just follow, I’ll be ok. The voice knows all. The voice already did all of the research and the number crunching. It ran millions of scenarios, poured through self-help books, and created a giant pro/con list. And, lucky for me, the voice shares its wisdom with me whenever I need.
I revere the voice, because it does what I cannot do. I am incapable of making decisions, much less ones that are valid. When I lie awake at night, wrestling with my thoughts, I seek the voice. And sometimes I don’t even need to summon it. Like a wave, gently rolling onto shore, it is there.
I only very recently realized, there was a familiarity about it.
Sometimes it was my mom. Then there were times it was a random author, poet or philosopher. A few times it was my best friend, and often a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. Lines from books, a Facebook meme, a character on TV, and surprisingly once it emerged as a conversation I had with my dog. And in very quiet moments, it wasn’t a voice at all, merely a thought or feeling, planted in my consciousness.
But how can that be? How can one voice be all of those?
It took me some time to figure it out, but in the end it had been worth the wait.
I didn’t have to go very far…because all along, it was me…